Like I said, you know the people and the situation better than I, an Internet Stranger, do. Sounds like hes a robot instructed to find out a fun thing the customer is doing later. Yeah, I get that it is a soft invitation, but it also feels that the hard invitation has been tossed into my lap. But it is a cost. I particularly enjoyed the bergamot top notes in the. This will not go away. I can vouch for this strategy! Not always). (Rememberif she had specific other plans, thats a reasonable excuse. Doesnt work with friends / family obviously, but I have to consult my husband every single time when it comes to sales pitches / offers in retail / invitations from strangers etc. This meme will hilarious remind them. Its all back to the lines of dominance and power again. The fact that LW is this bugged about it shows theres a problem and the parent is being manipulative. But again, that often leads to a fraught conversation or hurt feelings that arent worth dealing with. But *I* am entitled to enact some of that fallout myselfits not all about her, shes not the only one who gets to be offended and feel pushed around, etc. This has not happened to me, that I know about, but aunt has a sibling who does not hang out with the family much, for reasons that dont need exploring at this juncture, and I have heard them say stuff like I cant believe shed rather [wash her hair/go to the doctor/chores/etc] than have lunch with us. or right out, shes making up excuses to not go out with us. And some family members are theyre hurt by it and some just dont get it. (I know that I dont want to is in fact a perfectly valid excuse. Getting up before 10:30 drinking some more beer and starting to work on my truck/dirt bike this should consume your whole Saturday until about 10:00 then you drink lots of beer and head out with your buds. I find the amount of people suggesting this interesting. Julia has been . Most of those projects and research were for fanfiction. I might hang out with some friends on Sunday. Me: Working. How about you?. Ze might, but you dont actually need an excuse to not provide free labor on demand. If you're worried your co-workers or boss will assume you need more to do if you don't talk about your heavy workload, go for this response. I dont know whether youre being too thoughtful or not thoughtful enough here. Oh man.I think this sort of thing bugs me because my dad very carefully taught me to ask/invite people for a specific activity/time precisely to avoid this scenario. Have a very happy weekend! That would create some damage. It still feels awkward, even though I do not think she is trying to manipulate me or claim my time. By formal invitation, Im not necessarily meaning an engraved invitation, like for a wedding or other fairly formal event. Id rather know the thing up front so I can answer it directlyare you free without telling me the activity feels like a setup. I think Im just reacting to the comments that seem to me to have a Thats just the way it is, you have to deal vibe, partly because it seems to make sense that someone would write in for specific strategies of how to deal while getting as much of what they want and as little of what they dont want as possible. Its okay that sometimes Im in physical pain and need time to recuperate. I use the phrase same old stuff! In this situation. I get a bit awkward when people ask me that question too, because of the whole half-agreeing to plans before theyre actually exposed (I never considered it nosy personally but I can see how it might come across that way). Catching up on sleep, doing chores, spending time with my partner. I also get your daughter refusing to comply with requests that arent made with at least normal adult civility it was not even a request, in fact, but an order. With friends, I might have the motive of finding time to hang, but often its just to find something to talk about. I really wish I had some better scripts to deal with this stuff how do I limit our contact with her to a level where the kids and I are still happy to see her, without pissing her off? What are you up to this weekend? is an absolutely normal question and learning to use it is not a failure of yourself. What are the usual scripts? I usually just respond with I have tentative plans with a friend why do you ask? Lots of wiggle room there. Its tiring. If I have to treat her like a grownup, and not like my minor child that I can boss around, she can fucking treat ME like a grownup, and not like her mommy that she takes for granted.. In conclusion the rules arent really all that different. 1. I get annoyed when family members pose the invitation as Youre coming to Grans on Saturday, right? To which Im like, Uh, whats happening on Saturday? And they stare at me like Im a monster for not knowing it was Sallys third step daughters cousins middle school graduation theyre celebrating on Saturday. When I tell you Ill be meal planning this weekend thats not an invitation for you to tell me all of your diet ideas and which meals are healthier. @freyasacksen I have a friend who will almost always respond with, Still alive. Always true. Its just that nobody expects a stranger or lesser known acquaintance to actually want to answer the question literally. Its an opener, like Hot enough for you? Or How about that sportsquad at the sportsmatch? The content of your answer is secondary to the dynamic of conversation. Funnily enough, my co-workers are also doing laundry. MY plans!) However, if you and/or your husband have used that phrase in the past where she is included in the We, shes not mishearing you/he are misspeaking. For me, it makes saying no so much harder. I think it would be odd to preemptively take that away. If it doesnt work with my schedule, I will tell you. I"m not done loving you!" 7) "It's Friday bitches!! And it happens often enough, with friends/family/acquaintances, that it can get annoying, but I generally dont jump straight to why do you ask unless theyve previously over-stepped in presuming my time was theirs since Im doing nothing (that I want them to know about or feel like talking about). Usually people have to give me a straight answer after that. Try delaying your answer and then see if taking the pressure off yourself to answer the question or commit to stuff helps you feel less annoyed by this question. 3. That said, you do have to be ok with saying no. It can be all consuming, leaving no time for askers invitations or request, or totally flexible and cancellable if there is something you would like to do. No matter what I say its, okay, well I was just gonna see if you wanted to [actual invitation / request]. 2. Examples include: Good, nice sunny day out there. People ask this to fill the time while standing at the break room microwave, not bc they want to trap you into revealing state secrets and hardcore kinks. I usually respond Why do you need to know? unless its someone I really trust. Theres a world of small talk out there that doesnt Other a person, and being genuinely curious is not a justification for anything. Thursday is awful for me rushing all day invites the questioner to drop the topic, and Nothing, how about you invites the questioner to ask you to the fun thing. If they play extra coy with me, Ill just be extra cryptic in return. And suddenly many things became clear. I dont want to give you a rundown of my plans. Its not really surprising when you think about the mechanics of it its basically stereotype threat / stereotype threat removed. Funny Bumble Answers #4: Ironic, Nerdy-Cute Guy How are you? I appreciate the suggestions about responses, having to deal with a pushy in-law (nosy for information and has a big sense of entitlement). But then she would ask me to babysit her toddler. As such, I like to preface it with taking care of some stuff. Umm.pardon me, I wasn't listening. 1. Or only if you consider it important? You have actually internalized a very common social rule. Its usually along the lines of what are you doing on April 17th? Of course I dont likely have plans that far away, and I feel tricked into committing to be his date for some boring thing on a precious Saturday evening. "I'm having a productive day.". Assholes. I actually get this a lot from people who are actually trying to start conversations, rather than invite me somewhere. I too have found that nobody seems offended if I respond with a cheerful: Why? Without answering their question at all. So, it's important to read the situation and know how well the person asking you out will respond to a little joke. Sometimes we have plans that I can adjust if there is something she wants to do. Especially not in NYC, where housing is so tight, and especially when she doesnt have a job.). We teach children that they must answer questions put to them by adults, that they have no choice in the matter. Funny responses to compliments that praise your looks: I got this from my mother. "It's going well.". Must say I kinda love your kids response. I would say something like:"what have you done with yours so that i can learn what to do or avoid.". Oh you want to invite me to happy hour [with a bunch of colleagues I hate when theyre sober let alone when theyre drunk]? Thats the kind of bullshit that is so often behind the oh Im so nice to your differentness behavior belief that you shouldnt be what you are, and that you probably did something not right to get there. I also answer yeah, that would be great and then never hear from them again. 1. person: cool yep I ask what are your plans for the weekend? *overwhelmingly* more often because Im genuinely curious: then they ask me, and we talk about our hobbies (or I say not much and we agree that laying around is nice.) Yeah, my parents did that too. I love days where I have no obligations and I can go where the wind takes me. So far, everyone Ive said this to has gotten the message that I want an obligation free day. You absolutely can. Yup, there is a trust relationship to be established, because as detailed above, this question is frequently used with a threat of violence attached. Nothing very interesting. Nothing much? and Im like yup! I'm going to say this to my parents. We had to interrupt her to say, We = mom and me, and you got mad so fast, we never got to say would you like to come along? Are you willing? or, if Im feeling that Im entitled to demand it, Ill say, are you available? (example: Im not going to react well if you want to play Minecraft instead of helping me wrap the favors for grandpas birthday dinner; if youre getting together with friends, online or IRL, or doing homework, OK). You're very welcome. My Kid: No (shuts door) Can I get back to you later? In truth that is an honest answer, my schedule would fall like a house of cards without my calendar and unless it is an emergency I truly have to check it. Just how I like it :). Just ask! I was taught that if you are actually inviting people for something, its rude to do it by asking them what theyre doing that night first, because it traps them without a believable excuse for saying no. What works for you? No useful data is exchanged, its just polite social grease to ease people along in their day without ignoring each other (which is definitely read as rude). But I think often we like to pretend that there are no such tradeoffs, and thats not helpful in the real world. What are you doing Thursday is a way to start a convo gently and without losing face, giving the answerer has the option of answering negatively, positively, or neutrally. Theres a great body of research on the pileup of mental stress on the interrupted person, and the habit encourages the interrupter to indulge in constant watching and judging of how another adult spends their R&R downtime, which isnt good for the interrupter either, since it breeds resentment, often of a very petty kind. But its also true I can (usually) reorganize my schedule enough to accommodate plans I want to attend. Do you have time to talk?" "What Are You Up To?" Can Be a Way to Ask "Are You Busy?" Here's another example: Jana: Hi Rob, how are you? Whatever hits them the hardest should work just fine. Later that evening I find out through facebook that HE went out ice skating, with several of our friends, and he had never even mentioned to me that he was going, let alone asked if I wanted to come too! The bigger words you use, the better. Born and bred in southern California, how are you? asked of/by a stranger functions, for me, like any scripted greeting, pretty comparable to an all right with or without the interrogative in that a detailed (or even particularly honest) response is not expected and in many cases wont be acknowledged because it wont be heard (because no one is listening for it). 2. Well, here's that question again: do you know what you want to do with your life or are you still trying to figure it out? If you have a new question, start a new topic. Had it been a long time since shed asked him? Nothing too exciting, Ive got a bunch of things on my to-do list. More detailed/truthful responses are typically only shared with close friends or family. Thank you. People who act like or claim that it is impolite are exhibiting the things I dont like must be rude/mean fallacy. Humor is one of the best ways to respond to being asked out, as long as it's well-received. Updog. The first time I heard this, I wondered who opened my brain while I was sleeping and pulled the song out and put it in a movie soundtrack. We do this so thoroughly that we then have to figure out how to re-train them so this doesnt put them at greater risk in the presence of predators, and we dont do that re-training thoroughly enough. Its the pre-request that to me frequently feels almost manipulative or entrapping. Tell me more! Of course I would never do this it would be returning the aggression but its a real puzzle to me. Dont do that to a friend. Your radishes that you consider joint family radishes because everyone could eat them? After some reflection, my normal version of this (me asking) is You free this weekend? :) Hope you like our compilation and try to stay serious ,please . Him: Doing anything else? What the letter-writer is doing seems a bit like foreign people not grasping at first that Americans dont expect How are you? to be answered literally. Unless I have specific plans that I want to talk about, my two go to answers are: Oh, Im not sure yet! if Im open to a suggestion from who Im talking to; or Oh, Im not sure yet, why? if I feel like theyre being nosy or trying to figure out what my schedule is so they can invite me to something when they know Im free then put pressure on my if I say no (mother, Im looking at you). Im okay not giving you your exact expected or hoped for answer. They help us tons, just because they love us and were family. So in the next day or two, perhaps on some morning when you leave your house and shes there waiting for you, you tell her, firmly but cheerily with giant beaming smiles that the morning walks will be separate from now on because those are for you to have conversation with your children. As others have mentioned, if I say yes Im free and then they offer something I dont want, then I *really* feel the pressure to say yes because Ive already essentially told them I have nothing better to do. You can do that! Flat? So I love this response cuz its keeping it real! Oh, theyre going to the movies on Saturday? I just want to say I appreciate that, you know, you havent started charging your daughter rent, etc. That's why this is one of the funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" that you should keep in mind. Luckily my husband is a Mega Introvert as well (sometimes more than me) and understands my feelings. ? I had a boss once who sometimes wanted to know if I could work overtime on the weekend, but sometimes wanted to know if there was quirky events on that her daughter might be interested in. The LW is getting socially trapped, and needs a selection of answers that are vague while also claiming her right to her time. It kind of sucks to be going about your business and then people remind you that you dont fit in. I think that with my previous friend group culture, a sorry, Im REALLY busy for the next few weeks gets taken personally as Im too busy to maintain our relationship, even though Im trying to, um, not be homeless? I know this is a small complaint, in the grand scheme of things, and I usually handle it by changing the subject to something Im interested in if I *do* feel like conversing. My small college town has become a lot more cosmopolitan over my lifetime, and weve got enough of an international population now that Im deeply curious about many of the customers at the store where I work. It can often be an explain why youre a POC kind of thing in many countries with white majorities, and seen as a whole (its a super widespread phenomenon) it shows how far away our societies are from truly accepting themselves are diverse.
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